So You’re Moving to Florida… I Have Some Truths For You

Yes it is beautiful here. That’s about it.

When you get here, you’re going to endure one of the most horrible environments you have ever coped with.

It’s HOT and I don’t mean sitting in front of a wood stove enjoying it hot, I mean you are going to sweat every ounce of liquid you have drank in the last 20 years out of your crotch and off your back.

The bugs here are going to move into everything you think you have secured and laugh at you when you look inside and see them partying like extinction is tomorrow. The flying bugs will bite every part of your body, you can not cover up your body because of the heat and they know it. The ticks are going to crawl up your legs and nestle up like they own you.

Back to the heat, because that’s what’s most important. We dont have winter here… or fall, or spring….. we have 7 days of freezing weather in February and we go straight back to 100 degrees. The leaves fall here because they died from the heat.

It’s wet here. Water comes from the top, water comes from the bottom, water leaks into your house, water wets you on your way in, water flows wherever it wants whenever it wants and it will destroy your belongings and you…..right after water happens…..steam. You will pressure cook until you are tender. Your belongings will rot and rust within a day. When it doesn’t rain, you’re going to catch on fire and burn, you and your woods and your house and your pet cat and this will be the only time in your life that water decides not to come.

You will endure sand. Sand will become an everyday, every second part of your life and you will learn to give up. You will clean the interior of your luxurious car for 7 hours and 15 minutes later there will be sand, it will jump into your car before you even close the door, it will follow you into your house and jump in your recliner while you’re fumbling with the thermostat on your air conditioner waiting to get on you, the sand that is already on you will get in a fight with the sand in the recliner and you will lose their fight.

The little bit of grass and weeds you have will never stop becoming a jungle. It will grow 10 feet high in exactly 7 days into the sand on your roof and you will have to pull the weeds on your roof and mow your roof grass. The bugs in your yard and on your roof will bite you on your leg like wild chainsaws every time you go outside. The hitchhiker weeds will swim in your washing machine and only stick to your underwear.

You will want to go swimming…..along with the other 97 million people who also want to go swimming in the same spot. You will buy a pool, it will turn green every other day and you will never be able to stabilize it because of the sky floods, apocalyptic sun rays and their friend algae. Your pool will drink shock like beer and party with the algae overnight.

You will constantly prepare for hurricanes. You will tie your yard down, your house, your belongings and the hurricane will never come until the moment you are not prepared. The moment you forget that hurricanes exist, it will come and wipe out your entire life, every tree will fall, every power line will fall, your generator will not run and you will be without power for at least a week in this heat. You will want gas in your car so you can sit in it with the ac on…but you won’t get gas, because 97 million people already bought all the gas on their way to I95 the day before.

These are just a few things you should know about “Beautiful Florida”. So pack your bags and head on down here, but don’t blame us for not telling you!

– Author Unknown

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